Eating disorders among teenagers are rising. With all of the media exposure, competition and concern to look great in a thin body, kids are showing dangerous signs of self-abuse. The numbers are overwhelming. To avoid some of the pitfalls, parents should be aware of how to eliminate some potentially serious problems.
Kids as young as six years old are already beginning to show concerns about their body image, and signs and symptoms of eating disorders. However, it is in the early teen years where we see the beginnings of full-blown eating disorders. A few years ago I was asked to address the topic of eating disorders to a freshmen class at a local private high school. After a three-hour lecture, several teenage girls came to me to talk about their concerns and fears about their own struggles with food. With tears in their eyes, they admitted to being bulimic and/or anorexic. Some were obviously quite ill. They told me that it had been a painful secret not even their parents knew! With early intervention, and a will to get treatment, many of these girls can be helped.
It is a "family affair," stated Dr. Judy Hollis in her book of the same name, which I believe is a great resource for parents wanting to know more. She too has suffered the pangs of eating disorders. The preoccupation with weight and attempting to look like teen idols is natural to a point. However, as teens seek to find their own identity, it is wise for parents to notice how they themselves deal with these issues. A neighbor of mine, a little girl about the age of five or six, shared with me her fear of getting fat! She told me that her mother had already put her on a diet. If I had not been aware of eating disorders and knowledgeable about signs and symptoms, that comment would not have bothered me. However, the comment made me think about what is going on in that family, and with thousands of young girls and boys today. (The number of boys with eating disorders is not as high as girls, but statistics tell us that those numbers are rising.) I wondered what the mother must have been thinking? What is her concern and belief system? How does she feel about her own body image? How can her thoughts about food help or hinder her children? There are many reasons a child eats inappropriately. People need food to survive, and that makes eating disorders one of the hardest cases to treat. If food is used to abuse oneself, there is definitely an issue going on.
The definition of an addiction is this: "The continuous use of a mood-altering or mind-altering substance (including food), regardless of the harmful consequences." Food does alter the mind and mood; there is question about that. But not all people will end up addicted to it. Addiction is about control, regardless if the food is eaten. Whether it is about bulimia (binge and vomit) or anorexia (stopping of food intake), it is all about control.
Why is control a factor?
In a nutshell, people who feel out of control will use the only means of self-control they have. What goes into or out of the body is in their control. They have a sense of control of themselves when they make the decision to eat or not eat. It is empowering when they feel powerless inside. Many things contribute to lack of power. When a child has been abused (sexually, emotionally, physically or any combination thereof) eating disorders can appear. When the home is a scary unpredictable and stressful place, a child may eat for comfort. If a parent is absent or unavailable emotionally or physically, it creates a feeling of abandonment in the child. The food acts as a shield and has a nurturing quality; something the child may not get in her or his environment. A child needs to feel secure.
Having a sense of control over the outside world is welcoming when the world inside is falling apart. With the pressure of being perfect in an imperfect world, having to do everything right and having low self-esteem and low self-confidence, a young teen will lose touch with her or his feelings. Using food or drugs assists in numbing the bad feelings. Binging and purging gives the person a sense of having feelings and having control over something. Even bad feelings are feelings. The temporary feeling that comes with the purge is, at best, a feeling of release from pressure, which gives back control (although almost always coupled with the shame).
Although not all eating disorders can be blamed on family dysfunction, most are. The truth is that most families do have some degree of dysfunction. I know kids and adults who come from somewhat "normal" healthy families, but who suffer the pains of eating disorders. Food does have its chemical makeup which, when turned into sugar, causes imbalances in the brain. Some people lack the necessary release of seratonin in the brain, and find that eating certain foods in abundance gives a boost to this release. Sexual activity does the same thing, as do behaviors that cause a rush. This causes a kind of euphoric feeling, as it is when chocolate is eaten, causing a kind of peaceful, serene and relaxed sensation. Turkey is known to have L-Triptophane, which creates a similar feeling. We just want to fall asleep in a big, fluffy chair after having a big Thanksgiving dinner.
Codependency
So, how can we parents avoid becoming codependent with our children who have eating disorders or potential eating disorders? First, the definition of a codependent is someone whose life is intertwined with the person who has an eating disorder or any other kind of addiction for that matter. It could be alcohol abuse, sex addiction, gambling or even someone married to a computer! A codependent's mission in life is to cure the abuse in those they love and adore. They forget their own lives to help another.
The codependent has often been overlooked in the rehabilitation process (if the family is in rehab). Actually, they are partners in keeping the abuse continuing. In the early 1960s when alcoholism treatment programs were beginning to take form, no one paid attention to family members. It was assumed that these people had no specific needs. We found that when a spouse's drinking stopped, depression sometimes emerged in the partner. Some family members actually worked to sabotage the alcoholic's treatment! Many formerly helpful spouses sought divorce instead. They had stayed during all the bad times, but when change came, they had to leave. They would often leave to marry another alcoholic. Without examining their own needs and wants as codependent personalities, they are doomed to repeat the same endless cycle.
We have all been affected by other people's addictive behaviors. As parents, we want to help our kids. We feel frustrated when we don't know what to do. We must see how much our lives are intertwined with others. I heard a joke one time about a codependent. "If you see someone else's life flash before your eyes prior to death, you know you are codependent." It is safe to say that a codependent is someone who is addicted to another's addiction. They take on curing the addicted person as their mission in life. They become obsessed with solving there loved one's problems. On the one hand, codependents get excited about the idea of discussing their child's eating problems; yet often have great difficulty talking about their own lives.
Sometimes being perceptive, compassionate and aware of another person is an asset. These people make great nurses, doctors and counselors. In some families, however, this codependency can lead to a tangled web where a parent can lose identity in service to the child. It may take long-time counseling to untangle.
Parents and family members who learn to speak for themselves and develop a sense of separateness are healthy. Parents can unknowingly disrespect and rob their kids or even their spouse the chance to feel like an exciting, evolving person if they assume they have them figured out. We don't always know what they are thinking or feeling. Being enmeshed means that parents and family members may easily lose their own identities and needs in the service to others. Codependent parents may insist on being able to solve the problems associated with their children's eating disorders. Anorexic girls often control their mothers by alternately demanding and rejecting help. The mother, being codependent, starts to suffer as much as the child. Parents beware: Real compassion is not helping others solve a problem and feeling it more than they do. We as parents have an emotional involvement with our children. We hurt when they do. We are invested strongly in helping them, maybe more than they are helping themselves.
How would you know if you have impending codependency? Check the following and see:
These are a few of the typical behaviors and thoughts of codependents.
If my child has a bad day, I react. If you have problems, I feel I must come up with a solution for you. I need to be needed. When your are hurting, I often feel it more deeply than you do. I don't develop many of my own interests but respond to yours. I feel safest when I am giving. I know more clearly what you want than what I want. I only feel good about myself if I have your approval. I diminish my social life to get overly involved in yours. I am critical and judging, and then I feel guilty. I think I can convince you to like yourself.
Do you force diets? Do you check on diets? Do you hide food from overeaters? Do you throw food away so the problem eater won't find it? Are you constantly disappointed when you see a relapse in your child? Are you embarrassed by the over/undereater's appearance? Have you excused the erratic, sometimes violent, mood swings resulting from the child's or adult's addictive behaviors?
A family who struggles with these disorders (reminder: It is a disorder, not a judgment against you personally) can feel comfort in knowing there is assistance and hope. Codependency and eating disorders are a matter of life and sometimes death. Learning to become detached for the health of yourself and the family is a gift. When we seek ways to focus on ourselves in order to feel the happiness within, we are also giving to our kids. It gives them permission to love themselves too. Parents can model for their children the idea that it is OK to be strong, independent and self-confident.
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